I awoke, talking to her in my sleep.
“I miss you so much.”
Then came the tears.
I’ve decided that I can’t turn my writing into Mel. I write here, like I am writing/talking to her. I can’t continue to do that. I can allow myself to write about her, but I can’t continually write as though I am talking to her here. It just doesn’t feel like that is healthy for me. I am trying to accept that she is gone.
I’m also mad at her for dying. Yeah, Yeah, I know that’s normal and it is: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The closest I feel to any of that is anger. I did my denial in Texas. Kinda hard not to do, since the aftermath of her stroke was staring me in the face. The first 5 days were pretty denial coated, even though I knew in my heart, where it was all going. It wasn’t till New Years day that we got the final MRI results back. The images were so full of white spots. Every layer showed something different or new. I did my bargaining, face to face with her. I told her I would give up everything with Mr. Yummy, if it could bring life to her. I’ve been depressed the whole time. The stages just vary and I HATE this!!!!! Acceptance? Yeah, not so much. I mean I know she died, I know I can’t pick up my phone, and call her. I know I’ll never see her as I knew her again, in this life, unless I am dreaming. I just don’t feel accepting of any of it. Are you fucking kidding me?
Anger? Yeah. Hurt? Yeah.
How could she not have told me what she was doing? Did she realize she was as deep as she was? Was she as deep as it has been made to sound to me? Why didn’t she share with me? I would have accepted her and loved her anyway. I may have ragged her, and that might be my answer, but I think she either thought she had whatever it was, under control, or she knew she was out of control. She wouldn’t want me to see her as out of control. Everything in her life, at one point…was under her direct control. Then things spiraled.
And today, I miss her so much it hurts, and I am relieved Mr.. Yummy isn’t here to see my eyes. I stopped by my mom’s to see her after work. She said, “Your eyes look sad, come back!” Sigh.
I wish I could be done with this, but I know that Melissa will forever hang onto my heart. In a certain way, that is OK…but in a debilitating way, it is not and I wish she would just go, if it is to remain this painful.
Like I said, I’m feeling off today.