Starting…to let go

butterflys

Ugh,

Dear Mel,

That was so hurtful to write, but it’s true, and it HAS to be true. My life has to go on. I can’t do with you, what I did with The Girl. I just can’t.

Mr. Yummy and I walked into his house last night from the grill. As I came through the front door, my laptop screen saver was you. You were in your pretty white dress that you dolled up in that night long ago in 93. I saw it, and it made me feel warm. I just thought, “I had the BEST friend in the world.”

A few minutes later, Mr. Yummy sort of cleared his throat, and sheepishly said, “You can’t do that to yourself.” I let the comment slide. We talked about dinner. he went through the list of things he bought me for lunch. Rice crispy treat snacks. (Good thing I only like the ones you make yourself, otherwise, at some of the moments I need to self-soothe over you, I’d be Kripsy hostage.)

He didn’t let it go. He said, “I know you. You’re focused.”

I pulled an Arie and said ::Blink::

“You like to dwell on things. You’ll hurt yourself with it. I’ve seen it before.” He stated, he wasn’t trying to make me feel like he was getting on me, but I think he is just nervous about what he saw with my grief over The Girl so many years ago. Yes, I was self-destructive about it. I lost him, because I didn’t think I deserved him.

Still, I could feel the water rush into my eyes as I sheepishly said, “I’m trying to get over her, I don’t know how to lose a best friend. I’ve never done it before.”

“It’s a terrible, terrible… It’s out-of-order and not natural and I feel really bad for you, but you’re going to have to put the pictures away. Save em in a file and look at it when you need to, but don’t leave something out that will pull you into it.”

::Blink Blink::

He talked about when he lost his mom, and that it wasn’t till about two months later, he had his total melt down. I realized, he is waiting for me to hit the melt-down that leads to acceptance. (Why are my eyes watering?) Is that how it works? DO I have to melt down to hit acceptance? I thought I’d just coast along and gradually accept it, albeit begrudgingly. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t, I don’t know how I am going to finally put you to rest.

I do know, that I was happy with Mr. Yummy, before you went and died. I was happy with my job. I was happy with my growth, the only thing that really sucked, was missing you and missing The Girl. I had learned to live with no Girl, and getting every minutes worth of my unlimited cell, with you. Before, with Mr. Yummy, I was so lost and sad before he came along. I felt I needed him to feel happy, but that didn’t work, because I was still left with my feelings about myself, my value: to self and others. I swear, I’m going to get back to the happy the Love Tour was and is all about. I love you, but you get to take my secrets to the grave with you, and not my chance at happiness. I’ve worked too hard for it.

So, not because Mr. Yummy told me he thought I would have to get rid of my pictures of you, but because I have this folder, it’s in My Pictures. I created it when I went crazy. It’s called EJP. You know whose pictures are in there and you know WHY I put them in there. Because I love her to the Sun, moon, stars, and back and always will, but it hurts. Every once in a while I take them out and look, but not for long, and as soon as I feel the stab, I close it again.

I made your folder, in my screen saver program. It’s called  “I will Miss you…” and, I have un-ticked it, so that they no longer circulate. Typing that made my eyes burn and fill with tears my love, but Mr. Yummy is right, I need to be nice to myself. Now if I could just get him to realize that doesn’t include chocolate, he can be nicer to me in other ways.

I thought about this all day at work. It started with the realization that I had done exactly what Mr. Yummy spoke of with The Girl, to protect myself and be nice to myself about it, because I really have forgiven myself for how things went. No need to beat myself up anymore, or worse, hook up with someone who will literally do it for me. I’m not her anymore, and can’t go back to her. I also know you would be pissed off at me if I did. I know, you were happy for me. I know, you were proud of my growth and changes.

Mr. Yummy is OK with my extended family and my need to continue being involved in their lives. He understands that, and I am grateful. Somehow Mel, I don’t think I lied to you, when I promised you I was going to be OK with Mr. Yummy. I think I am on my way to getting that forty years of time, love and, tenderness he said he wanted to give me when we started way back in 2000. How many times did I tell you over the years that he said that to me, and I still wanted it?

I will always love you. Never will I forget you. I’ll probably still be your Pitt-bull till we meet again on my road. I will still write to you, about you, and step out on the back porch in the mornings and evenings and talk to you. I seem to have stopped wailing “WHY?!?!” to the sky, because it is all sinking in. This is just one small step, in a lot of baby steps to come, in my letting go process.

Sick n Sin. Again I’ll tell you, we did that saying proud. Thank you for the gift of your friendship. There will never be another you, For me, you will always be one of a kind.

I love you,

~C

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About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on February 19, 2015, in Honey Bee, Love, Me, Relationships, Universe and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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