Dear Mel

I went to your ex-husbands house yesterday.

Talk about surreal. “She” was so nice to me. I wish I could tell you the things I feel I learned. You (here in the human zone) wouldn’t give a shit. You’d spit at the whole meeting. I think in the place you went, you would understand all the variables.

Your number two, is NOT doing OK. I wish I could grab him and bring him here with me, to get him and his shit together. Stuff with his girl, is not going OK. He is learning a tough lesson in who to give his seed to. It’s tough to watch, especially because he knows if you were here, you would fight her. He and I don’t doubt that, since you never met a fight you could walk away from.

I did something you probably wouldn’t dig, but honey…you haven’t left me a lot of choice in things. They are with their dad. #2 is in the trailer. When I got there, #1’s face looked like he’s been in a brawl. He had been; with #2. #2 is not doing much other than thinking. I asked if he was OK, he lied and said yes, but I know better and could tell he was crying so I told him, “I am not OK. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I am. I cry every day and on top of it…I try hiding it from Mr. Yummy because the thought of him seeing the full extent of my sadness, terrifies me after he witnessed the aftermath of my marriage and loss of The Girl.” I told him Friday, I left work at 2:30 and played “My Immortal” Over and over for the whole commute and cried the whole hour it took to get home, then went outside and pulled weeds and continued crying till I spoke to them (the boys) at 5:30.

Upon hearing this, #2 let the wall down. He cried, and told me his fears. I did something you might not like. Till he gets that education finished, he’s not going to be able to do much. Without a car, he’s not going to be able to get around very easily. When I needed to pull myself out of poverty, I went union. I asked him to go to LU 46 and take a call as a material handler. You know the benefits. You know the perks. You KNOW, he could do that job, move forward, bank some cash, and have some control over his life. I think it would also give him less time to think about you and the baby he is being pushed away from. He needs to feel like he is capable. I think doing what I did, would help that process. Please forgive me, but you didn’t leave me a lot of choice here.

What a cluster fuck you left behind.

Your girl spoke with her father on Friday. He said she almost called him dad. I hope they are able to reconcile everything you two and the fighting created. I know that there are two sides, and I will never forget your side, and the things I DID learn on my own by going to court that day. I promise you that, but now, he is all they have left. They still have needs, my love.

I told your ex, that he was part of our last phone conversation. She asked what you said. I pondered telling her, but then did. I told her you said there was a lot of regret, and that if he had JUST trusted you, you would probably still be married, and living happily, though broke, together. I think this stunned her.

I am having to come to terms with the fact drugs were the major contributing factor of your stroke, along with the way you were NOT caring for your body, by oh, maybe….EATING, but choosing to live on coffee, and cigarettes. Will I ever be able to say those words, without feeling like I have betrayed you. Will I ever get over the guilt of not figuring out what you were doing? I mean, I feel fucking STUPID for not knowing what you were doing. But will I ever be able to say that you were a drug addict? It hurts my tongue and my heart to say this, or to “know” it as fact. I know that your toxicology screen, and the fact there were five drugs in your system, at levels that weren’t casual use, seem to say what I can’t.

On top of hurting, I really, really deeply want to break things, shoot things, burn things, and scream my mother fucking lungs out in the hopes that you “get” what you have left behind.

Were you happy at having people take your picture after the stroke? Are you happy that regardless of your facial reaction when your girl said she was going to cut a lock of your hair, that we both KNOW, your “mother” will do as she pleases?

I miss you and love you and forgive you, and always will…but god damn you.


About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on February 15, 2015, in Love, Me, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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