Doing the Right Thing
From the moment I got the call, I tried to do the right things for my friend and her children. I’m pretty sure she would thank me for the things I did.
The only thing that haunts me is when I whispered in her ear, that we know what she had been doing, and she needed desperately to apologize to her daughter so that down the road, she doesn’t blame herself for her mother’s death.
I think I feel this way because I am having such a hard time accepting her dependency on prescription drugs, and the lengths she went to get her hands on them. Denial. I know it to be true, because I whispered in her ear, on the side she couldn’t look while she was staring at her beautiful girl on her good side, “Honey, we know what you were doing. You have got to find a way to apologize to your daughter. I know if you could tell her you are sorry, that you would. I need you to look at her eyes, and if you want to tell her you are sorry, nod your head at her and I will tell her later, what I am saying to you.” I looked at her daughter who was looking at me with a strange look on her face. She asked me what I said to her mom, so I went to her side, where her mother could see us both, and I asked if mom nodded at her, she replied that she did, a yes nod. I whispered in her ear what I said, away from prying ears.
And today, 45 days after my friend had a stroke, I’m not only hurt, but I am angry at her. I am angry at her for not taking better care of herself. I’m angry she thought she could pull this off and that she was impervious to how she treated herself. I’m angry at how she used her daughter. I’m angry at how she used her son. I’m angry she went to Texas and got miserably stuck there, and wouldn’t ask for help. For having MENSA after her, she sure did some dumb fucking shit, and yet, she is my love and there is nothing to forgive, because I love her and accept her unconditionally.
She had no idea, laying there dying, how empty she would leave some of us feeling. I’m only sorry she didn’t love herself, as much as we loved her.
I miss her.