My world has been incredibly rocked by the loss of my best friend. I know there is a part of her with me still. I know she “came to me” that night in my not awake, yet not asleep state. I know that she has moved on to the next phase of energy, yet I am not joyful for her, her kids, myself.
The loss of my only friend, I ever felt true unconditional love from, my friend I saw by my side as we became old ladies, my friend who took all my secrets with her to the grave, was as devastating as they come. When her brother accused me of stealing a ring belonging to her grandmother though, it broke a part of me. I did not sit by my friends side, tell her we were going to remove her life support, figure out a way to communicate to yes and no questions, try to honor her and give her the things SHE needed on her walk to death, to turn around and steal from her. She would be mortified at the accusation, and I understand why she always kept her family separate from her friends, even the family members she deeply loved.
I feel no peace at the loss of her. I do not know how to grieve for her, this is all I can produce:
I know nothing can take away my memories, and the depth of the friendship we had. No one can change that she kissed my lips twice as I sat by her bed. Nothing can change the knowledge I received from her that she still needed that human interaction and touch or the gifts I was able to help she and her daughter share when I told her that she would kiss her back, she needs that love.
Yet I have no joy. I have no experience in losing my best friend, my soul-mate, or the love of my life. See I could tell her that and she knew what I meant. She knew there was no lust or sexual intentions, just the simple fact that I loved her ever so deeply. I would have given up everything and everyone I have to bring her back to health and life. She knew this. I almost felt no guilt telling her I would let go of Mr. Yummy if it would give her back to life. She cried.
I am lucky I was afforded the ten days to sit by her side, tell her every last thing I could think of telling her, making sure she knew I was with her, supporting her, loving her and knowing she needed to convey how sorry she was, to her daughter, assisting in her telling her mini me, she was sorry for things that will be left unsaid here. Maybe some day I will go public with certain things, but that will come, I suspect, as I heal.
I am a better person, for having her in my life and I know some day, we will find one another again when I walk my road and return to my true state. The thing is figuring out how to return to living my life with the intent and purpose I had before this horrible, horrible thing happened.
Mr Yummy had to go to the very state she just died in, the very state my crazy ndn war vet lived and died in, it wasn’t easy taking him to the airport and sending him to the place I found to be hell, because it’s taken my two most loved friends. It hasn’t been easy not giving into my desire to just cling to him and asking him to make it better. I’ve been there with him before. I have also learned to recognize the ways he silently tells me he is there for me, to remind me about living. I am grateful for that and do not want to repeat my past with him, when it comes to involving him in my loss.
I don’t know if it was the air travel, the total burn out, the total emotional exhaustion, but I have been sick for the last week and Monday…I’m going to the doctor. I’m not going to do what she did. I am not going to put off till it kills me, what I can start dealing with today. No more burying my health in the sand, hoping if I ignore it, it will go away. I do not just mean this cold/walking pneumonia but, the “other” things that have been plaguing me for a few years.
I miss you, My Love and always will as long as I live in this body, but I promise, living is what I plan on doing. Thank you for the amazing and loyal friendship you gave to ME, of all people, while your hugeness inhabited that tiny little frame, known as my best friend, Mel.
Oh yeah, one thing I know, even though I am sad, the candles that people order that I touched in this state of mourning, were packed by a woman crying tears of absolute love. You will be lucky to burn them.