SO MUCH has happened the last five months. I still probably can’t talk about all of it since my sister is still waiting to see if there will ever be charges filed.
Needless to say, she broke up with one boyfriend, and all hell broke loose. Then she started dating a new guy, and another kind of hell broke loose. Meantime, I have been here, working, going to see Mr. Yummy, cursing my sister, waiting for the power to go out, wishing I had internet (I pay for it), and being threatened with eviction from the landlord, even though (MY) rent is paid. (In fairness, hers is too now.) It’s been lots of drama and trauma, and for once, I had nothing to do with it, other than it permeated every aspect of my life.
Once the landlord threatened to evict, I really panicked, because since July, my sister really hasn’t been here. She has been out of town for the better part of the time, coming home for a week or so and then leaving for 4-6 weeks.
I turned 50. I had a dinner on Halloween with my tribe to celebrate and I actually got a little toasted. Toasted enough I dropped my credit card on the patio where we had the dinner (my dear friend, the spoon wielding tax preparer let me use her house) and Mr. Yummy found it and picked it up. He came home with me that night, but for some reason…forgot to give it to me before he left the next day. I was a hurting unit for a few weeks, but didn’t want to “bother him” so I just roughed it out in silence. The day he came to meet me and give it back, was the day after the landlord informed me how bad things were and I was told if it wasn’t made right in so many days, I would have to leave. Mr. Yummy took me to lunch and I told him what was going on and just like that, he offered up his spare room for my things and his room, for me.
I was stunned, yet not surprised because, he has always been kind to me. I was sick to my stomach, because I have spent since 2001 trying to figure out how to get back to him and what we had, and were supposed be. But not like this. I want to be with him in every way, no doubt about that, but I had hoped it would be him saying, “I love you and want to be with you”. I’ve been willing to wait for it. I hurt him so badly when I went to Alaska and he thought I was leaving him.
So here I sit, blogging instead of packing. I started packing a week ago. I stayed at Mr. Yummy’s a few nights last week so my sister could come home and we didn’t kill one another. The first night as I was drifting off to a blissfully satiated sleep, I mumbled I would ask him the thousands of questions running through my head tomorrow, to which he replied that he knew. The next night, I asked how much space I had, is there storage close, how long do I have and what will you expect me to pay to stay with you? He pretty much said, “Hmmm, I don’t know.” to it all, and I just left it at that. I got back to his house the third night, and he took me out to his motorcycle hut (his sacred man cave) and 1/2 – 3/4 of the shelves were empty! The night before they were ALL full of parts. I was gobsmacked, to say the least. I was also grateful, touched and for some reason, just felt really, really humble.
Part of me is really excited, and part of me is really scared, and even though he hasn’t said he loves me, or that we were eventually headed here, or even that he might just want me to stay there…I know him well enough to know that he isn’t doing anything he doesn’t want to do, and nothing with me is done without thought. Just like nothing I do with him is insignificant. He is what he is and he knows it.
I only know, that the last ten months, I have been so happy. Life has been hard, trying, my sister and I almost lost what we have worked so hard to repair, my car was broken into (bypassing my locks, and alarm, then re-locking it) and I am moving again way, way before I planned on it. ALL SHITTY THINGS according to the plans I HAD, but…I am happy and though Mr. Yummy is definitely part of it, he is not the reason why. I kept my wits. I stayed calm and kept my head.
You know what?
I did it because on 18, December, 2011 I went crazy.
My life fell apart, I’ve blogged all about it. I’ve been putting my life back together and for the most part, it is quite manageable these days. I
like love my job, love the person I have become, the changes I have made, the choices I have made and the people I allow in my space.
The world is still crazy, another young black life was taken, people are angry, I am angry and I want change, but the world doesn’t have permission to take me down, and I plan on making the world a better place than it is.
I leave you with this…
Who are you?
Not what are you, not what is your ethnicity. I heard a smart guy ask, Who are you and I don’t mean race, because we were taught race by the system.
Who are you?
I know who I am, and I know what I lost by admitting who I am.
If you want to know who I am, and what I lost, come back next week when I have more time, and I’ll tell you. Right now, I have to go get ingredients for stuffing, after all tomorrow is that genocide day and I have plenty to be thankful for.