I Am

Many things.

I used to say I am a liberal, then progressive, and now I just strive for aware.

I used to say I am Chicana and Indian, then Mexican and NDN or Native, and now I just say I am an indigenous human being.

I used to say I was a kid, then youthful, then a grown up, and now I just think of myself as a student.

I used to say I was a daughter, sister, mother, now I just think of myself as spirit, housed in a female body.

I used to vibrate at an angry, fearful and, hateful level. It was so painful. It kept me isolated from who I am and what I am meant to do and be. Now I live in love. It too can be painful at times, but I am no longer isolated and I am living with an intent I never knew I could possess.

I used to say, think and, believe, “I can’t”. Now I believe I can, so I do.

There is a line in a song, it reads like this:

Love, was never meant for me. True love, was never meant for me. Seems somehow, we never can agree.

I honestly felt that, the first 47 years of my life. (Bonus points, if you know the artist, song, and album)

I have been crazy, abnormal, fucked up, abandoned, hateful, abused, abusive, lost in what seemed like never-ending hurt. I have been  medicated, desperate enough to feel good, that I checked into a psych ward. I have been hopeless, defeated, and accepting of it all.

The only thing I ever worry about is that I actually might be just crazy. It still amazes me that I went from such hate, to such love. I wonder if I am just tricking myself into a state of…placebo. Make sense?

When it comes down to it, I don’t really care, because I am living the kind of life I always told myself I was not capable of doing. If this is crazy, then I am OK with it.

I DO believe the shit I spew to you. I AM love and life is meant to be good.

Do I have everything I want? No

Do I think I ever will? It depends on how limitless I can let myself be, or if I will hang onto the few roadblocks I am aware of.

Does the fact people I love won’t accept me, stop me from loving them? No, it probably makes me love them more unconditionally. Is it hard to love a person who could care less if I took another breath? Sometimes, because it hurts to love without the return, but  then at other times, it feels good to love someone in spite of that. There is still a joy at loving someone, because I love them.

Am I crazy? Yeah, probably, but there is such sanity in it for me.

I can sit here, pause, look out my window to see the trees, the birds in them, the sky, which leads beyond to the Universe. I know I am a part of every single part of it, both good and bad, and I can feel love and be love.

You know what?

I am…

OK with that.

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About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on August 17, 2014, in Love, Rabbit Hole, Universe and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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