I like looking over at my laptop and seeing him, with his toys and crooked smirks. It’s just something that warms my soul. It makes me smile.
I ask, how can I still feel the same for him, when I am so different, he is different, and so many years have gone by without us coming together again in this way? I mean, we have stayed in touch over the years, but after 2006, there was no attempt on either side, to take electronic communication, very, very sporadically, any further till I gave him my phone number on FecesBook in a message. That was just seven months ago.
In that seven months, I can count, on one hand, the amount of times we have seen each other. We have gone slow for us. That is why the depth of my feelings, causes me to pause and ask myself if I am confusing my past with my now.
I just blogged about realizing I never dealt with us at all. I just shelved it and kept looking for someone to knock him off the top, getting pissed off when no one else was able to. The fight Michael and I had when we dated, that broke us up, was because he made my coffee. Sweet huh? I went to the bathroom, came back to the table, and he had doctored my coffee.
I got fucking angry at him for making my coffee. It was done wrong.
What it really was, was that he trampled on something that only Mr. Yummy was allowed to do for me. He danced on my sacred. He had no idea, but I was a total bitch to him, in front of his daughter. 😦
That is just an example of how I didn’t deal with Mr. Yummy and me. Only I did it with every person I ever attempted to be with after he and I split. I even did it with the face-breaker. With the face breaker, it was anything intimate. Odd huh? I’d willingly sex him, but when we started, that was all it was. I never, let my guard down enough with him to let HIM get me off. I had to assist or do it for him. We had some great, raunchy sexing in the beginning, but I went into it just to get some. It had been a LOT of years.
At first, it was just good to be having sex. When I wound up in a relationship with him, I never trusted him. I always felt like he was just playing a porno in his head and fucking me. Some of the things he did and said, were just male porno lines easily found in the history of the laptop. The worst part, was I would think of Mr. Yummy in the end, while I was sexing the Face Breaker. I’ve never admitted, and only denied this.
I’m trying to look at all of this with honesty. I think it is good to question then vs now. I don’t want to be in love with the memory of us. I don’t think I am, and I guess that is why I told him last night when we were talking in text, that I feel so very, very different, but I feel pretty much the same about him. How can that be if I’m so different? I also decided not to OVER think it, just look at it for a bit. I also finally said something about the ever-loving shampoo. The talk went like this:
“For the record, I am not as bad with my over-thinking. Usually I only over think something like you…having my shampoo still after something close to thirteen or fourteen years. Having moved a time or two, and having someone live with you. I’m not gonna lie, that freaked me out. I can only imagine my face.”
“Yeah….a little on the bizarre side, I’ll admit.”
“Well, thanks for admitting that, it makes me feel better. For the record…that’s the sweetest thing ever. But don’t tell anyone that.”
“As you know I don’t use a heck of a lot of shampoo.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s why I was stunned. But then, I have things of yours I’ve saved.”
“Nor do I throw things out….just because.”
“I had this conversation in my head, trust me. But honestly…”
“I knew whose shampoo it was every time I looked at it.”
“I just back spaced it all.”
” 🙂 “
I then grew a big case of bravery and asked him out. As in I was invited to a friends annual seafood fest. It’s more in his neck of the woods than it is mine, and I’d love to have him go with me as my date, knowing people will see us as a couple. It is from Friday to Sunday and always a fun time. He said he should be back from his family trip out-of-state by then. YAY!
I just see him, and his crooked smirks being around for a long time.