One doorway is the doorway to my future. I know what my future is to an extent. I’ve mapped out the path I need to be on, and have manifested that, which I want. There are many specifics I don’t know at the moment, but I know the intent and the vibe I have to live with.
The other doorway, had led me right back to my past and the different paths I have been on.
The last two weeks have been particularly hard. I still had an ex I needed to make amends with. She was the first person I was with after leaving an eight year marriage with my ex-husband and father of my daughter. I was very, very damaged after that marriage and needed help that I didn’t get.
She and I almost destroyed each other. I was under the delusion that being with a woman would be a blissful fairytale. She was a heavy drinker with a lot of depression issues. I was her first girlfriend after coming out. We met at a women’s bar I was working at. Although the physical part of us was good, it wasn’t enough for the many obstacles that presented themselves to us and we had a very acrimonious split, all the while, I was trying to divorce my husband.
Somehow I wound up with HER ex husband. Like I said, it was ugly.
It was a few years after this that I met HIM, the one I’ve been writing of and missing. He is the one that busted through all of the shit and left me feeling loved like I’d never been loved before.
After talking to him the last three and a half months, I realize it was because no one had, or has ever loved me like he did. I would love to see if we could tap into that again. I do not believe we would go back, but that we would move forward.
I don’t know if the Universe is going to set us together again, or if there is someone else going to come along and bring out that passion and that feeling that I so fleetingly had mutually with him, but I know the direction is forward, not backward.
She: started talking to me like I’ve talked to him the last three and a half months. The flow, ease, and comfort that has been there with him, is NOT there with her. And yet there was a time I never saw myself with anyone but her. I couldn’t imagine letting a man touch me again, and yet I did.
In order to go forward, I HAVE to put the last of my past to rest. I NEEDED to talk to her and tell her how sorry I am that I was such a damaged person when I met her. She was just as damaged, and both of us have gone on to damage ourselves in other ways over the years. Some of her life after me, brought tears to my eyes and I wanted to just hold her and comfort her. I feel a huge tenderness and love for her, but I am not in love with her any longer, nor am I in love with the idea of her, like I am with him.
I told her of him. She said his name and said it sounded weird to hear me talk of a man and say I am in love with him. It was weird to talk to her of him and admit the depth of my love for him to her, my once lover and girlfriend. It was painful and honest for us both.
She called me the next day and said she knew what was bothering her about all of the talking we had done. I asked if she wanted to share, she responded with the fact that all these years, she thought she was innocent and pure. Talking with me she owned the things she did that pushed me away, that shut me out, that took her always to “the bar” and alcohol. What was now bothering her was realizing that at one time she didn’t hate me. What bothered her was that she was just now; almost two decades later, was feeling what she should have felt when we broke up. There was sadness for both of us.
I do not know what lies ahead for me other than love, because that is all I will accept. Will it be with him at some point? I certainly fucking hope so. If it is not him, then there is someone out there that is going to come along and love me as passionately and completely as I felt with him.
I am grateful for the opportunity to have made peace with her and my past. Without doing this, I can not move forward in a new way. I want though, for her to find something more important than a great lover who makes her happy. I wish for her, that inner peace that I discovered, that allowed me to cut the ties that bind and kept me down and cycling in a negative world of shit. She is still there and it makes me sad.
I have loved a man. I have loved a woman. I do not accept labels. I do not call myself straight, lesbian, bisexual or anything other than human. As a human I have been sexual. The love I felt for her, was no less real than the love I have felt and feel for him, but the love I have for him is sacred, and that is what I will accept nothing less than when I step through that future door, that ultimately is the here and now.