Here and Now
This is where I have been trying to live more and more. So much of my life has been living in the past. Lately I examine it, absorb something, and move on. Granted this thing with the old boyfriend has sent me spinning. I am not spinning out of control like I used to.
He has said to me a few times, “It’s in the past, move on.” I mostly do, but in some areas, it is important that I see things as they were, be it that I came across as incredibly insensitive, or he hadn’t fallen out of love with me when I thought he had. In a way I need to process those small details and rewire the thinking of my brain.
At the current here and now moment, I am hot flashing. It starts kind of deep in the core of my body and radiates out. Hot flashes are unlike any kind of heat I have known. They are not like a fever, nor heat stroke, nor being in stifling heat, nor sitting in an oven. It is more like…becoming the oven from the inside out, quickly followed by being really cold where ever there happens to be beads of perspiration, which with me, is oddly enough the inside of my elbows, and the backs of my knees, as well as my hairline. It’s a party not having a period anymore. The one good thing now about the flashing, is I know WTF is happening. The first one really sent me spinning since I had gone 9 months, no period, and no hot flashes. No way did I have this one in the bag.
As of the first of the month, I become one of the 7 bazillion insured. I am not sure how I feel about this yet. Obviously, needing bi-annual blood draws, and monthly medication for a dead thyroid gland, will be nice to have covered, but I am wondering if I will wind up paying out-of-pocket for my medication anyway, since I don’t want synthetic thyroid replacement. I’m really not down with pharmaceuticals. I hope as I go further into my menopause I totally STOP having migraines. I hope to never have to take another migraine pill, but I still have ONE hidden in my purse, just in case. I stopped taking antidepressants not too long after this old boyfriend and I broke up, because they weren’t fixing anything. I felt worse. I felt numb, disconnected, sad, and foggy. That was letting the doctors do it their way. It took me a long time to lose the edge of fog. It has been about 13 years since I have had an antidepressant. I never had any benefit outweigh the side effects. Simply for me, not worth it. I needed to feel a lot of shit. That is just me. To not deal with it really did paralyze me and I can see that now.
I am motivated in totally different ways now.
I don’t have to be that “I can do it alone!” woman. I don’t have to play the part of something I am not to make myself appealing to another human being. The right human being will love me for the simple fact we connect in that certain way. I don’t want to be shared, but I don’t want to be owned.
I want to be. You know. BE.
I don’t want to be the person someone else wants me to be. I’ve mostly tried that before. There were two people who saw the total raw me back then, who accepted me as I was, but in all other cases, I have tried to be this woman others have seen me as. For the last two years, I have been who I am. I don’t need to explain that, because it is right with me. I know what I put out there into the Universe EVERYDAY. I also know what I used to put out, and they aren’t the same frequencies at all.
I like living in the present, the now. It used to seem so hard when I was letting my past haunt me. I didn’t know how to just be. I also know what love smells like now. I smell it everyday. I can smell it lingering on my clothes and in the air around me. It is a good thing, and I don’t necessarily think myself totally bat-shit crazy anymore. This whole new way of being has just grown on me, probably because life got so much more peaceful for me.
It’s not up to me to judge anyone, and it is not really up to me to judge myself, but to just live in a way resonates happily in my heart and soul. I still believe I deserve nothing less than love, as do you. I may not type it everyday, but I put it out there, every single day. This stuff is free! Don’t let anyone tell you different.