Every Day…brings me closer
Some of my stuff is in storage. Some of it is here in boxes. I am neither here, nor there. I mentally checked out of here long ago, and that is what has pissed off Ginger so much. She will never own anything she has done, and that is fine for me. It won’t hinder me, but it will her. She is going to keep doing the same things, expecting different results because the people in her life change. I am the third tenant she has had that has soured. I know it says something about me. She refuses to see it says ANYTHING at all about her. I wish her well. I really wish her next tenant well.
I went through a time in my life, many, many years ago, and then again after my eye surgery and the death of my grandson, where PTSD was an issue. The last few weeks here, I have been feeling some of those old feelings. I was with two people from work the other day and PTSD came up. It was the first time I admitted to anyone that living with Ginger has left me feeling a “flare”. To me, she is very, very much like the abusive men I have allowed into my life. I had red flags about her, but because I needed a place to live, and I was hoping she was just quirky, I ignored them. I had a very strong feeling I would regret that, and I did almost immediately. I think my lesson was to trust myself.
I’ve not made any real effort to contact that awesome guy, with awesome hands and sexy, soft lips who kissed me recently. It’s not that I am scared of him, or my emotion, or possible rejection, or acceptance, or any of the normal things people freak out over.
I’m just overwhelmed with Ginger. I don’t want him tainted by her in any way. I don’t want him to see her, meet her, deal with her, or ever step foot in this bizarre reality. There are moments, when all I want to do is cry. The crazy is so intense. The hands on the hips, the judgement, the nastiness, the name calling, then the smile and hello. At least since I called the police on her she has stopped trying to be fake with me. She just all out hates me now, and that is OK with me. It doesn’t stop me from going on with life, especially once I am gone. But I know, her hatred of me will make her more bitter. The next person will listen about me, like I listened about La, Johanna, JF, Dan and the low voltage boyfriend who “wired” her house. Her experience with me, will leave an already bitter and insecure person, even more so.
I just want to soak in a tub with some nice candles and a fat joint.
I am almost there.
And then, I want a cuddle with the awesome guy with the awesome hands.