Tears that Cleanse
I can’t stop this silent steady stream of tears and don’t even want to try.
So much time, so many locked up memories, so many floods of raw emotion, so much displaced love, ready to spring forth like an arrow…
So much gratitude, so much confessed and so much heard.
It shook me to the core to be told the way I went to Alaska, so fast, with the woman I went to help, with the things he knew about her and how close we were…he just didn’t know how to process it. I hurt him. This was never my intention and it deeply hurt my heart to know I had hurt him. To say I am sorry and for him to hear that and say he was sorry he didn’t know how to help the hurt I was hanging onto back then, brought tears to my eyes.
I have never stopped loving him, in fact I would be so bold as to say I still am in love with him. Do I know what will happen between us now? Yes and no. Do I have expectations? Yes and no. Am I in a hurry to find out? Not really, I am really enjoying this tender and touching dance we are doing and I want to draw it out and savor this beautiful thing.
Processing…words, feelings, desires, moments, and sweet kisses.
I told him in text last night that I LIKE the person I have become and living my life in a way that brings me peace. Time is being good to me and I am grateful for that and for being able to talk to him today. He replied that he is too.
I admitted to finding my voice over the years, and that life may have been easier for us both if I had only known how to say what I want. I told him how proud my BFF is for me telling him Monday night, that I wanted to see him again, because I SPOKE UP! He replied he is glad I did.
I know, that this is heading to the physical, and we are both now, feeling the emotional part, but will we become us again? I don’t want to go back to then, we were messed up with our own stuff…but I am curious to see what will become of this opportunity and what I have called into Universe.
I’m not worried about defining this. I know what it is, I’m just happy that this is happening.