It’s been a while since I have done any writing. I miss it, but my living situations just takes the energy in different ways and directions.
I’m still at my new job and I really like it. Not a lot to say about what I’m doing. After living in extreme poverty since 2009, I am happy to have the minimal paying job I have, because the company I work for is a very nice company. The owner is the friend of a very good friend of mine and she hooked me up in a way that leads to good sleep.
I no longer have a boss who has no concept of personal boundaries.
I have a good friend who is dying, I’m very sad about this and the fact I can’t go see him.
The Boy, AKA, the Eye Breaker…is still, calling and still texts me. He professes his love and desire to start a friendship, because he thinks that will get me in bed and his big dick, will then solve all his problems. Notice two things here. 1) I said, “all of his problems”. I did not say all of “our” problems. We broke up in December of 2011. He fails to realize this I guess. 2) His big dick is what got him where he is, because he thinks with it, acts for it, and treats women like they are his own personal porn stars.
His mother died recently and he began sending more frequent text messages, which I don’t answer. There was one that made me call him and this is when he told me about his mom. I feel bad for him, but not bad enough to date him again, or even tell him where I live. He doesn’t know where I live, and he doesn’t know I got a new car. I like it like that.
I’m mostly over the break up with my long-lost boyfriend from when I was 17. I am proud of how I handled him when the true colors came out. Most of them didn’t come out till we had broken up and I walked away without looking back. I have realized between he and my room-mate that people really fucking HATE that when they are used to controlling people and things. With him, I chose to not respond to a single baiting attack he threw at me. On the things I normally would have fought a person on, I just told him he had no business commenting on my personal things any longer, he chose to withdraw from that position in my life so the benefits of sharing an opinion on certain people and things were no longer his. I didn’t fight, call names, react. I just let him look like a jerk. His choice. he is now realizing I am not playing his game by his rules. Sorry! (Not)
I have been concentrating on moving forward in life, with new habits and patterns. I try so hard to not practice self-destructive behaviors that I have the power to control and walk away from. I do not always succeed, but often, I do.
Lately I have been thinking of an old friend. The one that got away, actually. We tried, twice of not more, but I was far too damaged and he had baggage of his own that doomed us. Not more than a few months ago I told my best friend that the feelings were still there and so strong that if he called me today and said he wanted to see me, I’d respond in a heartbeat.
Over the years, we have never really lost touch, though we rarely communicate. I drop him little FaceStalkerBook messages a couple of times a year and he responds, usually months later when he logs on. A few months ago I tossed him my phone number and said I missed his voice, the way he says my name, his coffee, and just talking to him. I didn’t expect a reply to what I was tossing out there, because so many years have gone by and I can’t imagine him feeling the same after 14 years. In fact, the more The Boy texts me and stalks me, the more creepy I was feeling that I still reach out to someone I objectified as a kitchen appliance by calling him The Toaster for years. I did it because every time he was in my life, I just wanted him so much and so bad all I would hear in my head was his name. Over and over and over. It became maddening and he thus became The Toaster. I’ve let go of that and the quest for the perfect toaster, but I still love me some toast and miss his coffee in the morning. he does make perfect coffee.
So the day before yesterday my day went like this:
Wake up, have coffee, get ready for work, arrive at work and check email before starting the day. I find a letter from my friend who is experiencing a tumor in his nasal passage the doctor says is inoperable. He was asking for my address for his will. The shit got real and I was so sad. This isn’t how it should end for him. I love him dearly and feel like I should be there next to him, but I can’t just pick up and take off like that, especially right now.
I work and try not to feel too sad. Right before lunch, The Boy texts me asking me to lunch. This is the fifth text/call in the month and a half since I told him I can not see him or hook up with him and that our time is over. It didn’t work then and I don’t want to lose myself like that ever again. He doesn’t understand that when you break a girl’s orbital floor or leave black and blue marks up her arms, you’re an abusive person.
I make it through the day, get home and talk to mom and my bestie, get my warm fuzzies from the people who have loved me. The young love boyfriend who I reconnected with in 2011 decides to message me like everything is cool. He’s all happy we remained FB friends after he bolted into his depression. Well, that’s not exactly true. I set FB to not show his comments in my feed, I don’t go to his page, and I make no effort to communicate with him. I just didn’t “remove” him or “unfriend” him because that, seemed childish to me.
As I am asking him if he remembers the SEVERAL ways he insulted and attacked me in his last drunken call. I ask about comment one, he changes the subject to his cool new hat and did I go to his page to look at it? I ask about comment two, he diverts to his daughter’s divorce and how happy he is to have his little girl back. I ask about comment three, he dances, I counter with comments 4, 5 etc. My phone rings while I am typing. I don’t know the number, I ignore it. My Facebook bleeps that I have another message, but I don’t look at it. I walk away from the conversation to smoke, come back and notice the other person messaging me is The One Who Got Away (The Toaster). I reply and he has logged off, so no response. I’m sitting there looking at the previous conversation with they boyfriend from 30 years ago and suddenly my brain goes, “Check your messages and see if The Toaster was that number you don’t recognize!”
I look at the message length, it is 30 seconds long. I listen, it was only 11 words, but they were words I’ll never forget and it was the first word that still reverberates through my brain and body. My name. No one says my name like he does. It filled my being with warmth and happiness.
We shared a phone call and a few texts the next day. In the call he invited me to call anytime I want to have coffee because he is a coffee slut.
I’m standing on the head of a pin.
Last night I told him I really miss the “leg up”, he came back with “no comfort zone like it”.
This will either be closure, or a start.
All I know was I got honest with myself, the Universe, and him. Seems like all three are listening and responding to me.