For the last two years, I have been an absolute, non-assertive, pussy. I’ve avoided confrontation as much as I could. I try; and usually succeed in looking beyond a person’s worst, to find the WHY, and then understand.
I’ve looked for the reflections I’m seeing of myself in others.
Usually, I find them.
Today I lost my patience with my room-mate. I’ve been here since march 15th, and after six months…
I could list the many things that I allow to push me to the point of reaction, but I feel that would be petty to do to someone who isn’t here to defend herself. I can say today was the wrong day to place her own personal well-being upon my shoulders.
I did indeed react, and said quite loudly that she is a crazy fucking nut-bag. I can’t take that one back, and I feel bad that I said it, but there is truth to it. Maybe, to her…I am just as crazy. I mean…I would just as soon walk away and not interact with her because I never know which version of her I am going to get. I shut down and just tune her out.
Having said that, anyone who has read me knows I have been there, fractured, flailing, insecure and never looking within for my happiness and worth.
I think anyone’s patience only goes so far. I get that I am not responsible for making her feel secure about her.