There is a heaviness. I’m dancing and dancing, and yet I am not shaking it from the tree.
I feel assaulted.
I can’t imagine this was intended, but abandonment lurks beneath the surface. I feel discarded and disposed of, and it hurts.
And the anger. The appropriate anger, I deny myself. So I fester.
This isn’t healthy for me, and yet I won’t cry it out, or scream it out. I have repeatedly tried to handle myself with grace and compassion, and in doing so…I get none back.
You selfish fucker. And I won’t say this to your fragile, emotional being because I care. I don’t want to break you.
One day, you WILL have to own your actions, and then it will be for you to deal with. I’m sure I will forgive you. I forgave the guy who broke my eye and left me with an implant. You just shattered my heart and though I feel an absolute fool for trusting you, I don’t regret being open. I guess I just regret I bought the lie, because you weren’t truthful.
I need to take a load off.
I think if anything, your words telling me how you never wanted to hurt me, haunt me. That feeling I had, wrapped in your arms, believing your words of love and protection of my heart were sincere, now make me sad. I don’t WANT to be sad, and I don’t want to feel disposable. I won’t be these things.
Not for long anyway.
God I just want a hug.