I Love You
My last relationship REALLY went really deep into my past. I mean issues from so far back in my childhood came up. It was amazing, because I remembered that it wasn’t ALWAYS pure shit, but I remembered a lot of painful things I buried.
I found my second boyfriend. I was 17. He was my first love and first real relationship. He was the last really good person in my life before I walked down some very dark corridors of life. I am sure that is why I went so far back into my “emotional void” when he got depressed and disappeared into his depression.
I’ve accepted that we gave it another shot and it didn’t work, but there has been a lot of emotion I am not allowing myself to feel. Probably because I have ingrained myself so thoroughly the last few years to live in the positive, rejecting all negative. To allow myself to cry and feel appropriate hurt or anger, therefore, feels like failure. I know it is not. I just don’t like going negative. For me it is like the alcoholic who can’t have one more drink. It’s easy for me to go there and stay there. Particularly with anger. I guess you could say I am a recovering rage-o-holic.
In trying to process this last one, I have also thought about a lot of my ex-lovers. I pride myself on being able to still say something nice about them. The Toaster, made delicious coffee. Black Coffee in Bed reminds me of him. We would “music” together, have awesome sex, and share perfect coffee. He probably remains the love of my life and we were two terribly wounded souls who just couldn’t be together.
Mr. New York was so smart and saw me as smart. He stimulated my mind in ways no other guy has ever done, he had great hands…beautiful to be exact. He let me spend hours watching his hands, in black and white. They were just SO beautiful. He was funny as could be and he woke my spirituality and we reached an intimacy through that I have never known elsewhere. I still crave that.
The face breaker, with him I was wild, uninhibited (for a while) we would music, though there was little intimacy to it like I’ve known. He woke me up after many years of slumber. He was my desire.
But the one who really stands out, I cannot explain. Lovers, I know we are not meant to be, but this man…we cooked well together, we laughed till we cried or, I blew coca-cola OUT my nose (in front of his horrified mother while he stood behind her doing a victory dance), we talked about things, even if we had different views, we would music together, in the most intimate ways. I still have songs that will freeze me in my tracks and warm me down to my very soul at the memory of being loved like that. I still love this man deeply and as I think of him and write, I have tears sitting in my eyes, well they were in my eyes.
The last one, I can not elaborate on yet, like the others. But I did get to the start of some musings, and that is a good thing. I’m getting unstuck and heading to peaceful resolution. I also know that I can still go there. I know another person won’t make me whole, heal me, patch me. I seem to be doing that on my own.
For all before as well as what is ahead of me, I love you.