Not what I expected (but doesn’t it figure?)
I haven’t been trying to contact The Depressed one too much lately. When we last spoke, it was just too hard. I just gave him his space and tried to get back to where I was prior to his nose-dive that created a giant hole in our “relationship”. But I still text or leave a voice-mail every once in a while because I can’t just toss people aside.
Tonight I was thinking about him, and I just reached a point where I feel like his non communication is just no longer worth my time and energy. I found him again, after thirty years, last April and we actually made contact again on June 5th/6th. For me it was after sitting outside and watching the Super-Moon, meditating really hard. For him it was after spending a day at the racetrack for the Kentucky Derby. I came in and sat at the Face Book, and there was a message from his daughter. She is how I found him. She had replied after finding a message to her in her spam, asking if he was her father, and explaining I knew him when he was in the navy. She replied and said she just got off the phone with him and he said to give me his number. I didn’t care it was almost midnight here. I called him.
We did so much in a year, when relocating one of us didn’t happen immediately, he got scared. When he pulled away from me it triggered every abandonment issue I was still hanging onto. Every part of me that believes people are not disposable was hurt. Not just hurt, but, butt-hurt. Still my greatest achievement in all of this was not reacting in old ways. I was able to think before reacting emotionally and blindly. I was able to look at WHY I was feeling so hurt and deal with MY issues.
Tonight, I was thinking of him, and decided that his silence was talking for him so I was going to call and leave a message saying good-bye and let him know I was throwing in the towel on spending my energy on him.
He answered the mother-fucking phone.
It caught me so off guard all I could muster was a pause and a “Hey”. He immediately said he wanted to call me today when he was walking to the bus and he didn’t because he was sure I wouldn’t answer. We talked for almost two hours. When I cried, I made sure he didn’t hear it. They were very silent hot tears, full of many, many emotions as I just listened to him speak.
He told me not to count him out yet. Did he know I was just about to totally let go? I am totally confused now and am going to have to process the many things said to one another tonight.
I am very, very proud of how I handled myself. It was really hard on me because I had choices to make about how to react. When he told me that he appreciated that I came at him with so much love, that I was respectful of his feelings, yet willing to let him know how much energy I was willing to invest in his well-being. He agreed that I never came at him with anger, hateful words, accusations, and drama. He knows that when I did get angry and call him on a few things, it was not me hurling daggers at him, but reacting to his minimizing the fact he told me he wanted to die and nobody was paying attention. I am not happy I had to work as fucking hard as I did at keeping the old parts of me from running the show, but I did it! I was able to deal with myself. I kept myself in check.
He told me he was so, so sorry he had done what he did, that he never wanted to hurt me or bring me his brand of crazy. I replied that I wasn’t all into running out and getting my heart-broken again, but shit happens. He got what I was saying and asked me not to count him out. I didn’t really have an answer. I can forgive him anything, especially depression. There is nothing to fault him for. I live with the opposite crazy he lives with. It’s not even that I don’t think I could trust him again, because still, I trust him more than not. I just want some time, and I don’t want just words. Though it was nice to hear those words from him again. It has been a while since he told me he loves me.
I didn’t expect him to answer. I have a lot to ponder, but I am really tired. I got more out of storage today after work and am really feeling all the yard work I did yesterday for the toffee making, spoon wielding, tax preparer and her sidekick Molly! Yes, that is how I say her name. It isn’t just Molly, it is always Molly! and I love them both.
Since I don’t work tomorrow, or can go do more side job work tomorrow at my leisure, I think I am going to go meditate and see what kind of energy I can share with Universe.