Fifteen Years of Self-Hate (the end of an error)


It was April Fools day 1998 that I suppose I really started courting death and depression as my close friends and intimate companions.

It was not too long after then that I screamed at Universe to “Bring it on! See what I can take!”


Never do that! Not when you are angry, full of hurt, fear, agitation, self-loathing! If you ever get a wild hair up your ass to do it, you better be very, VERY specific about what you mean.

I spent ten years in a hole so deep I didn’t think I would ever get out.

Today I have a very different relationship with Universe and myself. There is respect, Love and the dawning of comprehension. By comprehension, I mean things fit together in my head and heart without me having to take a sledge-hammer and force it.

I was a horrible, horrible person to myself, and therefore those around me. It has been really eye-opening dealing with someone so much like I was for so long. Horrifying to register how I presented to others, the energy I emitted was pure poison.

Amazingly, I still have a few really GOOD friends who knew me then. They have seen it all from me. They have seen my very, very worst, and now if they care to see, they can see me at what feels like my (to this point in time) very, very best.

swan_11I no longer feel isolated, ugly and, alone.

I feel part of something bigger, loved in ways a lover can’t provide, and most important to me…the damaged me, connected.

So no joke,

You are beautiful, connected, and loved.

Have you accepted that?


About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on April 1, 2013, in Crazy, Me, Rabbit Hole, Source, Universe and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. “You are beautiful, connected, and loved.”

    You saying that, allows for the possibility of ‘beauty’, ‘connection’, ‘love’…… and ‘acceptance’ to be available to me in this moment, newly 🙂

    Thanks for being a person who stands unabashedly for me and others in that way.

  2. Thanks for being open to it.
    Without prejudice,
    With absolute gratitude and love,

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