Boxes (MORE Boxes)
I got a text today.
My boxes from Illinois have arrived.
I’m relieved that he sent them, that he decided not to be mean about it all. Funny thing. As I started typing this, he responded to a text I sent this morning at 11:11 his time saying I hope he is well. He says he is trying.
I replied and said I hope so and I am not going to say it any more, but I’m sorry for my part and hope we talk again some day. He comes back that we will. He’s embarrassed I saw him “this way”.
I’ve been there, and I still have my moments. Letting go of my past, my fears, my illusions hasn’t been completely easy. At first it was, but then I had to work at it. Sometimes, I am around other energies that make me feel like they are dragging me down. It is at those times, and when old reactions just kick in, that I have to stop and break that mental connection and rewire a few things. It is not that it is CONSTANT work, but it is. Being aware, it still an exercise for me. It is not an effortless flow. I know that anything you do enough, becomes easier to do.
I used to not be open to any change in my habit and routine. I resisted it. Now I am OK with it. I like to examine it. I like to examine me, where and why I feel it. It’s so much easier to calmly explain it to myself that way.
Unpacking so much has yielded many parts of my life. Phases, people, lessons, loves, heartaches, memories, memories, so many memories. So many facets of me. All the people I have been. I’ve been mother, daughter, sister, wife, lover, friend, fractured, broken, disposed, fulfilled, manic, lost, hopeless, and hopeful.
It’s all in the quest for love. The funny thing is, I have to go inward for that. It has taken me 48 years of my life to figure that secret out.
Still some days I could really use a hug.