Explative, Explative, *$#*!@%&^, Explative, Explative, *$#*!@%&^, Explative, Explative, *$#*!@%&^, Explative, Explative!!!!
I’m SO fluffing frustrated over you!
My lessons of self are obvious. In the past when a bomb has gone off in my life, destroyed most everything, left me standing to deal with the other survivors and or wreckage, I have always done things that “make it worse”. I lead with my fears and I create MORE damage.
I’ve been trying so hard with this last one to not go there.
I don’t know, it seems I can clearly see his issues and how he is seeing things that aren’t there. I’ve seen him look at me like I’m one of the women in his past, but I never did to him any of the things he was already angry at me for.
Maybe I was supposed to get a big fucking dose of paying for someone else’s sins. I know I have held the wrong men accountable for sins against me, in my blind, wall-bouncing days. I know I hurt Sean, Michael, Jim, and Robert because of sins of other men.
Maybe I needed to fully ABSORB that. Because this has made me understand in a way, that I never was able to grasp before and I don’t mind telling you that my eyes are hot as I realize this…because I feel it in my heart.
I am now struggling with this because I love him. It’s not even a romantic love at this point, but a human love. I SO understand the NEGATIVE of this person, that I love him. (Because I was him? He is Me? I have been there.)
I feel like this energy is trying to trick me into reacting the old way. I get angry at him for not just sending my stuff. I left a bunch of bras and good shoes there because I was supposed to be moving there with him. We were going to get married and try to build a life together. Leaving those things was my way of showing him I was committed to us, our plan, and to him. His depression dive really changed that and I GET IT! That part I can deal with, but it is the part of him that told me he never wanted to be cruel or hurtful to me, only to love me and make me smile gets so fucking angry at him for the way he has just shut me out.
I feel the anger, but push it aside to stay with the love because I just don’t want to deal with the grossness. I guess I am saying I don’t know how to process this. Maybe I just don’t know how to love him and hate his actions.
This is probably confusing because the two men I speak of on this blog are not the same person and I probably don’t distinguish that. In typing with anonymity, I don’t use the blog names I had given them in the past. I don’t give the history of the two relationships. This man is not the same man who broke my orbital floor that led me to reconstructive surgery. This man I dated and loved when I was 17. We lost each other when he was discharged from the military. Thirty years later I found him and picked up where we had left off. Sadly…something happened and he fell off a cliff.
Is it as simple as I truly don’t know how to let myself be angry anymore? Or do I not know how to be angry at someone I truly love? Or is it that I don’t know how to be angry at myself, because he is a true reflection of parts of me I have been working at letting go? Is this a simple temptation to lead me off my path?
Why do I feel like screaming at him or about him, to call him a fucker and ask how he could do this? And yet to do so would make me feel so dirty. So I am conflicted, and not being congruent with what I feel internally. Probably because I don’t like what I feel internally.
I’m looking for my closure, aren’t I?
Time to start the day.