I’m trying to ground myself this morning.
Last night I spent the night being angry, and at the same time totally understanding how someone sees through the eyes of depression, and yet understanding that I don’t have to let someone else’s depression, define me.
Does that make sense?
I guess the “Don’t take it personal” comment, applies to what I am trying to do.
Happy to have had a response, and yet totally frustrated that I don’t speak “dude depressionese”. Talking to a friend with issues of his own, that he can talk about helped give me a little perspective. I heard some truths in what was said to me regarding the situation.
Two words, and we each saw the meaning of those two words totally differently from one another. “Don’t even” Those were the two words. Placing those two words in context, means telling you I had just sent a text saying I hope you are OK. Two hours later I had no response and sent an angry text saying, “Wow, fuck off (insert my real name here)” In comes the “don’t even” comment followed by more silence. I asked wtf I should have done, please don’t answer that because either way I’d have been wrong, followed by me saying, I am sorry. I’m worried, hurt, and in the dark, I’ll leave you alone.
So my friend sees it as him saying, Don’t go t here, don’t make me deal with you taking off and bailing on this right now on top of everything else.” Yet I hear it as, Don’t even…go there, start with me, talk to me, expect me to talk to you, why don’t you just go away, and how LONG do I have to ignore you?
So I slept the weekend off, woke up feeling a little better, happy to have at least had a communication from him knowing that as of last night…he was “ok”. Damaged, obviously, but alive. Aware I felt a lot of his despair, and have been for months…I have to let go of that and not lose my empathy, but not take on his feeling as my own. Hopefully, having been there (I overdosed in 2007) I will be able to see where he is coming from. I also hope though that the fact I had that breaking point of my own in 2011 followed by that “peak experience”, I can help him see how in control he IS. Not can BE, but IS.
As I sit and over-examine this, I realize how much I have changed, because a few years ago, this would have taken me down. My self-worth and value would be all wrapped up in what he is going through and I’d have no clue this was not about me.
Two songs come to mind, both from the same group.
I used to listen to this and cry when I was really sad and in a dark, dark place trying to claw my way back to life. SO I pretty much listened to this for a decade. It is a beautiful song to sign. It FEELS good to move with this lyric.
And the other one…
Sometimes words just become…too much. Especially for an over-thinker. We all know that point of words just becoming chatter, chit a chat, chit a chat, chit a chat, conversation, contradiction, criticism, it’s only talk, cheap talk!
Yet, with the last few years behind me, I remain thankful:
Posted on March 4, 2013, in Rabbit Hole, Relationships, Universe and tagged awake, aware, calm, Conscious, depression, Epiphany, Fear, Good, grateful, illusion, learning, Life, Love, Thankful. Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.