Here is an odd bit of information about me. It might gross you out, or you may understand the beauty and poetry of it.
Sometimes when I cry, I cook with tears. There are more tears than tears of sadness, and there is a chemical difference in tears of sadness verse tears of joy or love.
Since Friday, I have dropped a few tears.
Crying in the “now” is just as sad and full of emotion as crying in the land of sleep and no awareness. it is…poignant. Maybe it is poignant because I am watching someone I love experience his trauma, and I am unable to do his work for him.
I know that I can not have a romantic attachment to someone who wants to drink himself to death. I know I can not have a romantic attachment to someone who is sitting around afraid that he is going to have a heart attack within the year. I can not live with someone who is simply waiting to die.
I love him so much. The person that is inside him, waiting to be free is beautiful. If he only saw his own power, he would be a force to be reckoned with. Like so many of us though, he is stuck in the fear of what he doesn’t want, and that is what he is manifesting.
I know that even though he has shut me out, I am in there resonating in his head. I know that he is using me and his actions or, in-actions with me, against himself. I know who kicks my ass better than anyone else, because I was my own worst enemy for a lot of years.
I can not remember a time in my life where I have cried tears like the ones that are streaming, silent, full of love and, more for what I feel someone else going through, than what it means to me, my life, OUR plans. Someone I love is hurting and I am powerless, 2000 miles away, to help him. Especially when he will not take my calls, texts, or attempts at helping after being told he wants to die.
I also realize I am only powerless in the sense I am not with him. I can not comfort and nurture his soul housed in a body, that needs love and hugs. But I can send him my energy. I can scalar love him. I can ask people to join me and send him as much love as they can. I can get his family involved. I can get a few of his friends involved.
I can not do his work for him and I cannot stop my own personal work.
So maybe today…I will cook something.