On Death (part two)
I take care of an 81-year-old gentleman. His name is “Fritz”. He just had a hip replacement and needs help so his son hooked us up. I usually go over once a week and clean his apartment, do his laundry, change his sheets, cook a few meals, and run errands for him.
A lot of the time, I just visit with him because I find him so interesting. He used to be a prosecuting attorney for the City of Seattle. He also has practiced defense in law. He is sharp as a tack, very democratic and liberal, and he likes getting a reaction out of people.
I was on my way to his house this morning, thinking about the animals and how weird it was that mom and Pat both lost an animal within 12 hours of one another. That is taking BFF to the extreme. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that Fritz would be dead when I got there. I know this shit happens in threes. Thank goodness he was coming out of his bathroom when I arrived.
My boyfriend, is in Illinois. He started getting a little “weird” in October. The last two months have been very difficult for me. I have this feeling he has been saying “Fuck Off” without actually saying it. I left Fritz, called my boyfriend and again he wouldn’t answer. I left a message saying I am confused, I’m here if he wants to talk and I’m just going to give him the alone he so seems to crave. I text him and said please listen to your voice-mail. I’m going to leave you alone, but I love you and am here if you want to help lead me out of the dark someday. He finally replied and after a few things were said back and forth, he told me that he really just wants to die someway.
I immediately called his daughter. She was at work. I also got in touch of his brother, who went to his place. He isn’t there. He got him on the phone, but my b/f will not tell him where he is, only that if he had a gun, he would blow his brains out. The brother called his work. He quit his job. He had a layoff happening in two days, and he quit his job. Now he will get no unemployment. The brother said he is really fucked up.
His daughter got him on the phone, She called me back crying. She talked to her father, and he is telling her he is at home. I’m sitting here freaking out. I feel SO many things and all I can do is nothing. I was worrying about the fact that things like this “seem” to happen in threes, then I remembered, when Fritz and I got back to his place, the police were there. I was unloading his groceries and the walker and I heard the cop say “…No is there so we are going to have to call the M.E.”. I looked at Fritz and said “Someone died”.
So I hope my boyfriend’s family is able to figure out what the fuck is going on with him and get his some help. His daughter told me that tomorrow morning she is going over and dragging his ass to the ER. Thank God. I just hope he doesn’t do anything between now and then.
In the midst of all this, I managed to hook up with my new room-mate and give a deposit on my place with her. In two weeks I am looking at moving. This was a step in getting ready for the BF to come here. Somehow I think I am single again, and though sad…I am more sad that this person I do deeply love, is suffering and not reaching out to anyone. He’s angry at me for sounding the alarm, but I don’t care…if you tell me you want to die, I am not going to HELP you die by doing nothing.
I have worked TOO damn hard to glorify or covet death. I may die trying to live, but make no mistake, living is what I am doing. I REALLY need some love so I am going to pass some on to you, Dear Reader, in hopes it returns.
Please leave hugs.