Internal Battles


For a while now, I have gone inside and done some reflecting. It has been kind of hard because I wound up opening and looking at some of my trauma. I realized that when I went crazy and fell in love with everything, I didn’t deal with a couple of important things in regards to the baggage.

I used my love as a way to not feel the emotion I should have felt in order to move through it and on. Yesterday, everything sort of came to a head for me emotionally. I had my bad day. I felt sorry for myself, and angry at the wrong people, for the wrong reasons. I allowed myself to be pissy for the day, but I didn’t act out on anyone or anything.

Today I was making coffee and it slapped me! I knew what was wrong, what my issue was, why my issue was, and I was able to laugh at it. I did what I needed to do. I sat down, and was back in that moment. I re-lived it. It was so real, I gasped at the moment of “body memory” (?). I cried.

I felt the sadness and betrayal, accepted it for what it was, and let it go, because I can’t go back there and it can’t continue to creep back in every time I take 5 steps forward.

I have to decide what I keep and what becomes a memory. This one, I have to let go of. And just like that…I become a little more free.

Now if I could figure out if I have tinnitus, or if there is another reason I am constantly hearing tones reminiscent of a hearing test all the freaking time!


About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on January 20, 2013, in Crazy, Me, Relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Welcome to my world

  2. Which part? The ringing in my head? (It makes me think of No Doubt…Sorry I’m not home right now, I’m walking in a spider web , so leave a message and I’ll call you back!)

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