For a while now, I have gone inside and done some reflecting. It has been kind of hard because I wound up opening and looking at some of my trauma. I realized that when I went crazy and fell in love with everything, I didn’t deal with a couple of important things in regards to the baggage.
I used my love as a way to not feel the emotion I should have felt in order to move through it and on. Yesterday, everything sort of came to a head for me emotionally. I had my bad day. I felt sorry for myself, and angry at the wrong people, for the wrong reasons. I allowed myself to be pissy for the day, but I didn’t act out on anyone or anything.
Today I was making coffee and it slapped me! I knew what was wrong, what my issue was, why my issue was, and I was able to laugh at it. I did what I needed to do. I sat down, and was back in that moment. I re-lived it. It was so real, I gasped at the moment of “body memory” (?). I cried.
I felt the sadness and betrayal, accepted it for what it was, and let it go, because I can’t go back there and it can’t continue to creep back in every time I take 5 steps forward.
I have to decide what I keep and what becomes a memory. This one, I have to let go of. And just like that…I become a little more free.
Now if I could figure out if I have tinnitus, or if there is another reason I am constantly hearing tones reminiscent of a hearing test all the freaking time!