My Ghost and I Speak So Well (thank you very much)

My ghost listens to me and hears me in ways no one else does. Our traumas have always melded well together.

I’ve been mourning losses, instead of carrying them with me…I am mourning them. I think after the mourning, I may be able to let them go truly, with love.

It dawned on me this morning as I was having a panic attack, that panic comes from fear, and that fear is the disconnect from love.

Funny, since I’ve been morning the loss of that peak experience. I’d written my ghost a story, explaining bits of my life since we spoke. I explained about the assault my surgery my recovery, the other assault; because I still hadn’t learned. And finally tried to explain that between death and assault…I broke, then woke up one day…full of love and crying like a bitch at the overwhelming amount of knowing that fell into my body, mind, and spirit.
Not surprising, he did the same thing, his way.
Talking to him is calming me. So many things had come rushing at me, and once again loss is the theme. I know that his soul hears mine, just like mine couldn’t help but hear his all those many, many moons ago.
I don’t know if it is the halfbreed between us that makes ME feel whole, but he is good for me and no one will ever be able to tell me to chase him off because he is my tribe. In a weird way he helped me learn to be me. He connected me to to something I was disconnected from my whole life. Something that was rightfully and intricately ME. He breathed as much life into me as he believed I breathed into him.

We resonated, and still do. And as I sat, thinking through my panic attack, and an old bf text me wanting to trade a recipe and come see him. I realized how much I am loved. I thought of the people in my life who love and support me and felt it wash over me. My eyes got hot, the lump in my throat got bigger and as that happened, my chest let go. The vice released. I could breathe again. I said we would trade recipes again since we were both looking for the same recipes we originally traded each other before we tried dating in 2004, then again for a few months in 06, before deciding we are life-long, special-helmet friends.

I sat at the edge of love and felt grateful knowing I still hold access to that place and then my bf text. We said our good mornings and I sent more stories home to the tribe.

I feel calm for a bit.


About iwentcrazy

I am very, very, very average. And very, very, very lucky.

Posted on October 5, 2012, in Me and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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