Those Eyes

Captivate me. I can be lost in the moments of us together, then suddenly, there is his face, hovering over me and his eyes staring into mine, my face in his hands and his in mine. He almost looks like he hurts as I read the burning curiosity in his eyes of, “What do you need?”

He never lets me stop and give up on getting mine. Last night he looked at me and said, “Oh no, I’m not stopping, not for a long time till I get out of you, what I want to pull out of you.”

Then I just get lost in us. It’s a flash of lips, mouths, tongues, sweat, fingers, breath, moans, groans and all the feelings he brings out of me at once. When I come back from that place, I am surprised my head is here, the blankets are there, and there are tears in my eyes.

I’ve never known a man who when he is with me, gives as much, selfishly, as he does.

He’s humble, but confident, and I love this about him. He can’t take a compliment for shit, unless it’s veiled in sarcasm, and I totally understand, why no one else has ever been able to do it for me. In being him, that yummy ball of sweet ocean, he set a bar high, very high, no one else has ever been able to reach it.

I still love him. I’ve been writing about him, of him, and to him for fifteen years now.

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Today

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Is the day.

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What The Over Fucking Thinking?!?!

lucy-surprisedI got some splainin to do.

Why am I over-thinking life?

Why am I seeing things with fear?

I am thinking that tonight would be the perfect time to take that next assisted spiritual step, but I’m still on medications.

So, not tonight, but at least I can reign it in back to centered.

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Low Vibe

I really want to write, but I’m sick again (still). I’m really tired and feel like a grumpy sloth.

Consider yourself updated.

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Little Kisses

I went to Mr. Yummy’s house Friday night to try to give him money and smokes for taking care of me for a few days. He refused. I asked him if he was sure and told him I pulled a fifty out for him. His eyes got big and I could see him thinking so I said that I knew he must have spent that much while at my place. He smiled at me, told me to keep my pennies, and said I was worth it.

I was going to turn around and come home, but he fed me dinner, popped in a movie and then, he snuggled me down. As always, I crave him. His smell, his softness and, his little kisses. Even if he is just kissing my cheek, he sucks the air from around me in as he leans in and then, he kisses me.

He makes me aware of my senses. With him, I am more aware of all my senses. Life with him in it, feels like so much more of an adventure. He’s very giving to me, and yet the ways he gives are small and intimate, not large and for show. The little ways he does things, touch my heart. He knows this so when I told him early on this year, that I love hearing him say my name he makes sure when I call him he answers with my name, there is no,”Hello?” I always respond by saying his name. I’ve always done that…since the very first beginning because I love the way his name feels in my mouth and on my lips.

I am happy we have found one another again, and grateful for the chance to let him see me in ways I never let him see before. We live in really freaky, scary times, and yet here I am, choosing to live life to experience happy. He’s peas and I’m carrots.

Peas-and-carrots

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Getting Back to Better

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What a crazy summer it has been.

I wound up asking Mr. Yummy to come hang with me for a few days, so he was here Monday and Tuesday. I was getting better, but I am on a really strong antibiotic (keflex), which makes me light-headed, on top of being light-headed from an infection, and light-headed from pain pills; so it was good to have someone him here.

It was VERY hard for me to ask him to give that time from him to me. There is still a small part of me who thinks,”Who are you to him to ask this of him?” I know I am his friend, so I guess it doesn’t matter because I asked, and he did it. It just makes me love him a little more.

I returned to work today, for the first time since last Wednesday. They are very kind there. In appreciation of their kindness…I’m getting a freaking flu shot this year.

I’ve been falling asleep with the sliding door open at night, the screen I shut. It’s SO hot and the hot flashing keeps me out of my room, in the living room, with the big fan on and the door open. I know that isn’t the smartest thing in the world even though I am on the second floor, so Mr. Yummy made it safe for me to leave the slider part way open and tonight, it is almost cool enough to shut the apartment up.

Sadly, as one infection clears up, another from the antibiotics starts. I’ve got three more days of antibiotics, then I have a pill for the next infection. Hopefully in a week, I will feel better. Right now I’m really tired, and slightly traumatized by what just happened to my body.

Sleep, it does a body good.

Night, night.

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Fear

It still manages to find a way to creep in.

I got sick last weekend. Sick is a relative term. I didn’t get a cold, but an infection. Took a pill for the infection, and used a cream topically that I have had a severe allergic reaction to. Possibly due to the cortisone in it. (I go into steroid psychosis when taken orally so they have a big red flag on my medical chart)

I don’t want to go into great detail, because it is so ever-loving gross. My doctor didn’t call me back today so I’m pretty sure my mother is going to take me to the ER tomorrow and ya know what? I’m going to let her.

Mr Yummy knows a little, but not really. I don’t want him to see me like this, so I haven’t told him, like I am not telling you, any graphic details. At the same time, I would give anything to be able to be brave enough to say to him, “I need you and some TLC, will you please come be with me some?”

I haven’t called my best friend, because I don’t want to worry her, with all the shit she lives with daily…I don’t want her worrying about me.

I haven’t told my New York daughter, because she is off living her life. I tried to say something on Facebook to her, but she didn’t get that I am scared like I haven’t been in a long time. It sucks, because I need a friend right now, and there are none to be found, but then…I haven’t let any of the specifically know what is going on, so I guess that is my fault

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