What The Over Fucking Thinking?!?!

lucy-surprisedI got some splainin to do.

Why am I over-thinking life?

Why am I seeing things with fear?

I am thinking that tonight would be the perfect time to take that next assisted spiritual step, but I’m still on medications.

So, not tonight, but at least I can reign it in back to centered.

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Low Vibe

I really want to write, but I’m sick again (still). I’m really tired and feel like a grumpy sloth.

Consider yourself updated.

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Little Kisses

I went to Mr. Yummy’s house Friday night to try to give him money and smokes for taking care of me for a few days. He refused. I asked him if he was sure and told him I pulled a fifty out for him. His eyes got big and I could see him thinking so I said that I knew he must have spent that much while at my place. He smiled at me, told me to keep my pennies, and said I was worth it.

I was going to turn around and come home, but he fed me dinner, popped in a movie and then, he snuggled me down. As always, I crave him. His smell, his softness and, his little kisses. Even if he is just kissing my cheek, he sucks the air from around me in as he leans in and then, he kisses me.

He makes me aware of my senses. With him, I am more aware of all my senses. Life with him in it, feels like so much more of an adventure. He’s very giving to me, and yet the ways he gives are small and intimate, not large and for show. The little ways he does things, touch my heart. He knows this so when I told him early on this year, that I love hearing him say my name he makes sure when I call him he answers with my name, there is no,”Hello?” I always respond by saying his name. I’ve always done that…since the very first beginning because I love the way his name feels in my mouth and on my lips.

I am happy we have found one another again, and grateful for the chance to let him see me in ways I never let him see before. We live in really freaky, scary times, and yet here I am, choosing to live life to experience happy. He’s peas and I’m carrots.

Peas-and-carrots

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Getting Back to Better

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

What a crazy summer it has been.

I wound up asking Mr. Yummy to come hang with me for a few days, so he was here Monday and Tuesday. I was getting better, but I am on a really strong antibiotic (keflex), which makes me light-headed, on top of being light-headed from an infection, and light-headed from pain pills; so it was good to have someone him here.

It was VERY hard for me to ask him to give that time from him to me. There is still a small part of me who thinks,”Who are you to him to ask this of him?” I know I am his friend, so I guess it doesn’t matter because I asked, and he did it. It just makes me love him a little more.

I returned to work today, for the first time since last Wednesday. They are very kind there. In appreciation of their kindness…I’m getting a freaking flu shot this year.

I’ve been falling asleep with the sliding door open at night, the screen I shut. It’s SO hot and the hot flashing keeps me out of my room, in the living room, with the big fan on and the door open. I know that isn’t the smartest thing in the world even though I am on the second floor, so Mr. Yummy made it safe for me to leave the slider part way open and tonight, it is almost cool enough to shut the apartment up.

Sadly, as one infection clears up, another from the antibiotics starts. I’ve got three more days of antibiotics, then I have a pill for the next infection. Hopefully in a week, I will feel better. Right now I’m really tired, and slightly traumatized by what just happened to my body.

Sleep, it does a body good.

Night, night.

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Fear

It still manages to find a way to creep in.

I got sick last weekend. Sick is a relative term. I didn’t get a cold, but an infection. Took a pill for the infection, and used a cream topically that I have had a severe allergic reaction to. Possibly due to the cortisone in it. (I go into steroid psychosis when taken orally so they have a big red flag on my medical chart)

I don’t want to go into great detail, because it is so ever-loving gross. My doctor didn’t call me back today so I’m pretty sure my mother is going to take me to the ER tomorrow and ya know what? I’m going to let her.

Mr Yummy knows a little, but not really. I don’t want him to see me like this, so I haven’t told him, like I am not telling you, any graphic details. At the same time, I would give anything to be able to be brave enough to say to him, “I need you and some TLC, will you please come be with me some?”

I haven’t called my best friend, because I don’t want to worry her, with all the shit she lives with daily…I don’t want her worrying about me.

I haven’t told my New York daughter, because she is off living her life. I tried to say something on Facebook to her, but she didn’t get that I am scared like I haven’t been in a long time. It sucks, because I need a friend right now, and there are none to be found, but then…I haven’t let any of the specifically know what is going on, so I guess that is my fault

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I Am

Many things.

I used to say I am a liberal, then progressive, and now I just strive for aware.

I used to say I am Chicana and Indian, then Mexican and NDN or Native, and now I just say I am an indigenous human being.

I used to say I was a kid, then youthful, then a grown up, and now I just think of myself as a student.

I used to say I was a daughter, sister, mother, now I just think of myself as spirit, housed in a female body.

I used to vibrate at an angry, fearful and, hateful level. It was so painful. It kept me isolated from who I am and what I am meant to do and be. Now I live in love. It too can be painful at times, but I am no longer isolated and I am living with an intent I never knew I could possess.

I used to say, think and, believe, “I can’t”. Now I believe I can, so I do.

There is a line in a song, it reads like this:

Love, was never meant for me. True love, was never meant for me. Seems somehow, we never can agree.

I honestly felt that, the first 47 years of my life. (Bonus points, if you know the artist, song, and album)

I have been crazy, abnormal, fucked up, abandoned, hateful, abused, abusive, lost in what seemed like never-ending hurt. I have beenĀ  medicated, desperate enough to feel good, that I checked into a psych ward. I have been hopeless, defeated, and accepting of it all.

The only thing I ever worry about is that I actually might be just crazy. It still amazes me that I went from such hate, to such love. I wonder if I am just tricking myself into a state of…placebo. Make sense?

When it comes down to it, I don’t really care, because I am living the kind of life I always told myself I was not capable of doing. If this is crazy, then I am OK with it.

I DO believe the shit I spew to you. I AM love and life is meant to be good.

Do I have everything I want? No

Do I think I ever will? It depends on how limitless I can let myself be, or if I will hang onto the few roadblocks I am aware of.

Does the fact people I love won’t accept me, stop me from loving them? No, it probably makes me love them more unconditionally. Is it hard to love a person who could care less if I took another breath? Sometimes, because it hurts to love without the return, butĀ  then at other times, it feels good to love someone in spite of that. There is still a joy at loving someone, because I love them.

Am I crazy? Yeah, probably, but there is such sanity in it for me.

I can sit here, pause, look out my window to see the trees, the birds in them, the sky, which leads beyond to the Universe. I know I am a part of every single part of it, both good and bad, and I can feel love and be love.

You know what?

I am…

OK with that.

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Mums the Word

shhhh

Lots has been going on the last few weeks. It has been sort of difficult for me because although it’s not my drama, life has been full of it lately. Much of it I am obligated to not talk about right now. We are waiting on some things to happen before I can un-mums.

I went to my friend Michael’s Seafood Festival. I took Mr. Yummy and I had a good time. I drank a lot (for me) and ate a lot of seafood. For me that is rare also, because I am sort of grossed out at what we as humans, have done to the sea. ::green face::

I stayed an extra night at Mr. Yummy’s house after the Seafood Fest. I used to wonder if I was remembering him (us) wrong. I was telling myself it was all just a fluke, that all these years later, he couldn’t play me like his own instrument.

Yeah, not so much. He’s not just a fluke, and I wasn’t remembering incorrectly. He just does for me, that thing that no one else could ever do. I figured a lot of my old hangups out on my own, and I shared a few of them with Mr. Yummy. I think I had to in order to leave them behind. He just said, ” Oh the mind of a woman…”. And oh how true that is. I let my own thoughts, brain, wiring, get in my own way for so many years. I am happy to have moved away from that sort of thinking and reacting I used to do.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to write about the latest drama soon. I need it to be over and to move beyond it. It sucks watching other people cycle with it though. For them, it is inevitable.

Happy weekend. Pass on the love.

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